A couple weeks ago, the New York Times Magazine’s cover story, entitled “Infidelity Keeps Us Together” described the efforts of popular sex columnist, Dan Savage, to adopt a more tolerant attitude towards sexuality in marriage.
Far from a full-fledged polygamist, Savage’s contention is threefold: 1) each partner in a marriage should try their best to satisfy the other partner’s sexual yearnings, no matter how unusual the request; 2) if one partner is not willing to satisfy the other’s sexual proclivities, the unsatisfied partner should have limited permission to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere while still remaining married; and 3) in general we ought to get less worked up about sex in marriage and focus more on relationships in general .
It is in striking contrast to Savage’s position that many (if not most) Jewish, Christian, Muslim, and other religious institutions take a strict stance on sexual fidelity. Why do they do so? After all, biblical narratives are filled with examples of men having multiple wives and concubines. Are they being inconsistent?
Abraham had Sarah and Hagar; Jacob had Leah, Rachel, and their two handmaidens; King Solomon allegedly had 1,000 wives. None of them are chastised for their polygamy. To the contrary, we look upon these figures as paragons of virtue. To be true, these examples are all about having multiple relationships, not one-time trysts. But the underlying principle is the same: the Bible makes no moral claim that a husband must be monogamous with his wife (though, of course, no such latitude is extended to the sexual desires of wives).
So here is the question: how should rabbis, priests, imams, and others engaged in marital counseling address extramarital sex? To take it from the theoretical to the personal (as a future rabbi), do I think I should broach the subject of how best to handle infidelity when two doe-eyed, mutually infatuated, freshly engaged individuals approach me?
Unfortunately, I think the answer has to be yes. If what I care most about is the development of a healthy, life-long relationship between the two, as opposed to strict adherence to a moral code (no matter how much I happen to embrace that code), I do think I need to address sexuality within and outside the marriage.
But that doesn’t mean I need to go the Dan Savage route of actually condoning extra-marital sex. Instead, I should encourage the couple to have a frank, candid discussion between themselves about what they are and are not willing to do sexually for one another, and what they think should be done if one partner isn’t willing to meet the other’s desires.
Sexuality is interwoven into the fabric of any marriage; to ignore potential snags in the stitching is to unnecessarily risk the unraveling of the tapestry of the relationship as a whole. What do you think? Is sexuality still too taboo a subject to bring into the hallowed halls of premarital religious counseling? Or is it high time we injected more reality—and perhaps address one of the root causes of our 50% divorce rate—into discussions about our sacred unions? I look forward to your thoughts.
I had a half-composed comment that abruptly disappeared, so let’s see if I can get back there without a second interruption! I think you’ve raised a wonderfully provocative question, and believe anyone who intends to perform marriages must address it in some way. I suspect most couples approach pre-marital counseling with some trepidation, and that this trepidation is primarily about the fear of discussing sex–which I suspect has something to do with worry about getting a “thou shalt not” list on which there are already items they have encountered or experienced. It will take a great deal of ease and confidence on the part of the counselor (and some good courses on sexuality would help!) to bring ease and confidence into the discussion.
When my husband and I were counseled before our marriage, we focused on strengths–the bedrock values that we found within our connection to one another, and we told stories of times when we had relied on those values. This was connected to sexuality loosely, but just as importantly, this story-telling, strengths-based approach created a foundation of trust between us and the chaplain who married us, and when we encountered some challenges years later, he was the first person we turned to for support and guidance.
Should couples make some up-front decisions about sex and other shared experiences? Absolutely. Must they be prepared to revisit those decisions and recommit to them in an open, honest way as real life comes upon them? Even more critical. I think the counseling experience should create a context wherein people are not invited to compromise their values (on the contrary, our chaplain was very clear in later years that he was inviting us to very high standards), but rather are invited into a life of constant change where we are held by love rather than holding onto it.
I love this post and the tough questions you pose! My tradition has a proud history of supporting the healthy expression of human sexuality within honest and consensual relationships, and so I’d want to suggest that couples (and triples, and quadruples etc!) should determine the boundaries of their sexual and romantic relationships explicitly through a mutual process of discussion, remaining open to the possibility (indeed the likelihood) that these boundaries will have to be renegotiated with time.
The crucial thing, from my perspective, is that old taboos regarding sexual conduct (the impropriety of sex before marriage, sex between more than two individuals or of masturbation, homosexuality, kinks etc.) be swept away and sex be seen for what it is: a positive expression of human needs between consenting adults and nothing to be ashamed of.
In my view, much unhappiness in relationships, particularly around sex (and including the “taboo” nature if the topic you refer to), is due to shame and guilt artificially established through religious teachings. If we are able to sweep away the taboo and the shame and the self-hatred they engender we may come to be able to discuss these ideas in a more positive and adult manner.
It’s always a relief when someone with obvious exeprtsie answers. Thanks!